It's raining again. And I think I need to write all my feelings out, before it's getting too gloomy and i'm depressed. Again. It is all gloomy now inside me. I feel like all of my ograns, bloods, nerves and inner me has turned into black smokes.
"So, what is it again, this time, Halimah?"
We got our old friend coming back here. Hello, disappointment. It is not nice to meet you. Period.
But this time, the disappointment takes a new level. I am disappointed to a stranger. That is how stupid and weird i am now.
So I meet this one guy at Facebook galaxy. Sounds weird as fuck, who the hell still on Facebook and hit some random stranger? Me!
He's nice and all. He's good at writing his mind. He's funny. Clearly, he's smart.
We had two long (not too long. shorta long. whatevs) chats. And it was flowing so smooth and fast. I didn't remember when was the last time i had a good conversation like that. Or may be I do remember, but I don't want to mention it. Why? Because it fucking hurts only with small thought of him.
Two long and nice convos, both of them were started by me. I thought to my self, "If this guy finds you attractive, the way you find him so, he will start the convo." So i waited.
He said none. And last night i tried to make the third convo. After countless typing and deleting, i sent him a small "still awake?" It was almost 1 A.M. And untill this very moment he doesn't reply.
It's funny how I can be disappointed because of a stranger. I think my loneliness is so so huge that I can not stand any more indifference. Even the smallest one.
It's amazing to know that there is someone in this earth that has a very beautiful mind. And it's heartbreaking when that person doesn't find yours as beautiful.
A bright side of me says, "whooooa, calm the fuck off, bitch. It is just a stranger that you know for two days not replying your message. It is not a fucking world war III. Stop overreacting!"
A melancholic bitch inside me says, "it's not about a stranger who doesn't reply a message. It's about feeling unwanted. A feeling that we have been going through a thousand times. Yet it still hurts the same way."
It's funny how a week ago, I was visiting a new place after another. Met new groups of people, four flights in three days, ate food i never eaten before, spoke in front of audiences who listened eagerly. And now i'm here, feeling unwanted and neglected. Just because of a stranger.
I need therapist, i think. My pride is so gigantic that i can not take a single neglection at all. How stupid.
I am not blaming that stranger, not even a bit. I feel sorry for him that there's a point in his life that he has to deal with a demanding weirdo like me.
Damn.
I'm off. K. Thanks. Bye.
